When you lose someone, you lose a part of you, you may lose your light or yourself. September of 2021 is a year and month I can never forget. The pain I saw in my parents’ eyes. When death happens, time doesn’t stop, you do. Your pain can sometimes turn into anger, bitterness or depression, sometimes even fear of what is to come next.
When I was a kid, I never really understood funerals or someone dying. I would cry because everyone else was crying. But when I lost my sister, all I could do was cry. I was hurt, angry and I wanted to yell but all that could come out was silence. All I remember saying is, “It’s not fair… Why did it have to be her?” I would sometimes question if she was in pain, did she suffer or scream once she felt it was too late. Losing my cousin was hard enough and then having to wait for his funeral was even harder. But, at the same time, I lost my sister and now had another funeral to plan.
Days went by, weeks and months, of how I would never see her, feel her, hug her. I sometimes cried because I could never hear her voice again or argue or yell, “I love you, Bubbles.” Then there were birthdays, holidays, graduation, everything she didn’t get to see or finish. I learned that when you’re close to someone, and when you lose them, you also lose a part of yourself.
I started to really feel my pain once holidays rolled around because it was time for family and memories and laughter and joy. And the last thing I was thinking about was laughter and joy. My heart was filled with anger and resentment. I was broken, basically defeated.
I finally understood why some people hate the holidays or want to skip over them. Sitting in a house during Christmas or Thanksgiving with pictures of you and your sibling changes everything. Every chair, every smell, every room holds a precious moment or sometimes memory. Till this day, I can never walk into my sister’s room without crying or turning away. When she passed, I remember closing her door because leaving it open was too painful to see.
Everywhere I turned I could see her. I was in a state of whether or not I should leave the house or stay. The reason I chose Campbellsville University was because my sister went here, and I thought it would bring me closer to her. But being here now I feel even more distant from her. The interesting thought about family is that you can’t choose them, they are a part of you no matter what.
My family, moms and dads have lost so many people, but nobody would ever think that their parents would have to bury their child. Seeing my parents struggle and grieve through the loss of their first child was heartbreaking. I don’t know how my mom had the strength to speak at her own daughter’s funeral.
My dad was lost for a whole year, and I sometimes felt bad because it felt like he was the only one that was allowed to grieve or be in his pain and everyone else would just comfort him. My mom still tells me to this day, “Tomias, you never fully grieved your pain, you took care of us, and just kept pushing.” The reason why is because I never had a shoulder to really cry on. I didn’t know who to go to. I was mad at God, and opening up to people during a time like that wasn’t the easiest conversation starter.
As time has passed, I still feel lost, even more now than when it did happen.
She’s all I think about. I sometimes want to create a bracelet that says, “What would Zeph do/ W.W.Z.D.” To me, she was my rock, my go to person, my sunshine, my everything, really. My sister was a ray of sunshine, my cousin was always full of ideas or had a smile, and Q was just a breath of fresh air. I used to be so happy, but without them, I feel so empty, and time hasn’t changed a thing.
I couldn’t understand or comprehend why her? Why my sister? And the person I was most mad at, or had the most hate for, was God. Why would you take her away, especially at a time like this. I lost hope, I was hurting, I was in pain, bitter, lost and wanting answers all at the same time.
What’s not fair is their lives ended before they even started.
